Flanagan, Kitty "488 Rules for Life"

Flanagan, Kitty "488 Rules for Life: The Thankless Art of Being Correct" - 2019

I always love lists, that must have prompted me to get this book. I probably picked it up second-hand somewhere but don't remember where, it definitely was used.

Kitty Flanagan is an Australian comedian. Quite how famous she is, I have no idea, perhaps someone will enlighten me.

The subtitle to this book is called "The Thankless Art of Being Correct". Of course it's thankless. Nobody likes a know-it-all or a goody-two-shoes. Especially if they overreach.

488 rules for life seems a bit much and I must have guessed it already, a lot of them are superfluous if not right out ridiculous. I don't want to mention them all here because then I'd have to repeat half the book. All I know is that Kitty Flanagan and I lead a completely different life. She says not to have more than six people around the table for any dinner party. What? That's boring. When I invite my brothers and their wives, we are a small circle of eight, but that happens seldom, often nephews and nieces are included, friends and neighbours. The more, the merrier. And when I have a party with friends, there is never a limit. We love a crowded house. Unfortunately, that was not always an option in the last two years which must have been heaven for people like Kitty Flanagan.

In rule # 279 (Leave a courtesy buffer seat), she mentions "I go to the movies by myself a fair bit - admittedly it's not always my choice, a lot of people refuse to go anywhere with me because of all my rules." Shouldn't that be a sign?

What I didn't like about her writing was the way she was more or less imposing that these were the best rules that exist and everyone should adhere to them.

But she also had her good moments, like when she talks in #167 (Enforce the "Please wait to be seated" sign) which is impossible in our part of the world since hardly any restaurant or café works that way) about the "waiter vision impairment syndrome". I always call it the "Waiter Eye". I don't know whether you have to be born with it and only then you are a good waiter, whether they teach you that at waitressing school or it's something they learn over time. In any case, it's annoying having to sit on your chair half the time wanting to order another drink or whatever and having to follow all the waiters with your eyes all the time. It would be nice if tables could have a little flag that you just put up if you need help and then you can carry on with your conversation or meal until a waiter has time for you. We just went to a sushi place where you put in your "all you can eat" orders on a tablet and you could also "call a waiter". It was fantastic and we had a lovely time.

Or in the chapter "A word about fashion". Quote: "Fashion updates more often than my stupid phone's software and my stupid phone's software needs updating all the time (Which I really don't understand - why can't the get it right the first time?)" I have asked myself that question lots of times. Not the one about fashion, I don't care about that, I dress quite normal but wear my clothes until I really have to throw them away or they don't fit anymore in which case I give it to a charity shop. Anyway, the software. If people have to update the software to the phone or - even worse - the word processing programs, they should either change it so I don't have to change anything or at least explain to me what they changed in words that I understand even if I don't have a university degree in computing.

And then there is rule #388: Give me the recipe, not the story of your life. She talks to vloggers and I couldn’t agree more. No matter what I want to know, if I check for advice on YouTube, I want the advice, not a whole history about whatever they are talking about. Like, in this case the recipe. I want the recipe, I want to know the ingredients and what I'm supposed to be doing. Preferably written down in the description below the film so I can start right away and don't have to watch the clip over and over ... and over again. What I don't want is this: I got this recipe from my grandmother, I always remember when we cooked this together when I was little, my brother didn't really like it but I luuuuuved it, blablabla … then I moved into student accommodation because I started studying. I studied … blablabla … After many more years … blablabla … I finally moved into my own apartment with my own kitchen. The kitchen is … blablabla … And now I have cooked this recipe for the first time after so many years … blablabla … I still miss the plate my grandmother used to serve this on … blablabla … etc. etc. You know the gist. If you're lucky, you will get the recipe after 15 minutes but it usually takes at least half an hour. Why do people do this????

And yes, she says in rule #1 "If you don't agree with a rule, forget about it, move on to the next one." She also says we shouldn't bleat about it on social media. Well, I just did but that's what us book bloggers do. If we read a whole book, we more or less are allowed to review it on our blog. Aren't we?

All in all, I have noticed lately that whenever a book is praised to the heavens about being funny, I usually can't find the humour in it.

From the back cover:

"488 Rules for Life is Kitty Flanagan's way of making the world a more pleasant place to live.

Providing you with the antidote to every annoying little thing, these rules are not made to be broken.

488 Rules for Life is not a self-help book, because it's not you who needs help, it's other people. Whether they're walking and texting, asphyxiating you on public transport with their noxious perfume cloud, or leaving one useless square of toilet paper on the roll, a lot of people just don't know the rules.

But thanks to Kitty Flanagan's comprehensive guide to modern behaviour, our world will soon be a much better place. A place where people don't ruin the fruit salad by putting banana in it … where your co-workers respect your olfactory system and don't reheat their fish curry in the office microwave … where middle aged men don't have ponytails …

Other rules to live by include:

1. Men must wear shorts over leggings
The gym is no place for people to discover whether or not you are circumcised. That’s a private discussion for another place and time.

2. Team bonding activities should be optional
Some people love it when management decides that an afternoon of bowling or paintballing or (god forbid) karaoke will help everyone work better as a team. Others would rather be dead.

3. Don't ever mention your 'happy place'
To me, this sounds less like a pleasant, fun state of mind and more like some kind of utopian wank palace you’ve had built in the basement.

What started as a personal joke is now a quintessential reference book with the power to change society. (Or, at least, make it a bit less irritating.)

What people are (Kitty Flanagan is) saying about this book:
'You're welcome everyone.'
'Thank god for me.'
'I'd rather be sad and lonely, but right.'
'There's not actually 488 rules in here but it sure feels like it'."

As always, my freedom ends where yours start. And that also applies to the author's rules. Don't make up weird rules because you don't like certain things. I'm sure Kitty Flanagan wouldn't like to follow all the rules I might make up willy-nilly.